The Tea with Tina
The Tea with Tina is going to be your new favorite weekly chit-chat that will feel like a good, juicy sit-down with your BFF. This podcast isn't your average (and boring) radio talk show-styled podcast. We dig deep, get personal, and have lots of fun along the way. Hear some relatable stories and a different perspective on various topics from health and fitness to pop culture. I am Tina Wieland, a certified fitness trainer and nutrition coach. Grab your caffeinated drink of choice, get comfortable, and be ready to hear the TEA.
The Tea with Tina
227 | How People-Pleasing Sabotages Your Weight Loss and How to Break Free
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Can people-pleasing behaviors be the hidden culprit behind your stalled weight loss efforts? Join us on the Tea with Tina podcast as we uncover the surprising ways societal pressures to avoid conflict and prioritize others' needs can undermine your health goals. Inspired by Lauren Melton's insights from "This Life Uncluttered," we dive into the stress, emotional eating, and bad habits that arise when women internalize their feelings and struggle to set healthy boundaries. Discover how traditional and modern roles contribute to this mindset and how breaking free can pave the way for a successful fitness journey.
Here is the link to Lauren's blog post
In this episode, we share personal stories and practical strategies for asserting your needs without guilt. From managing work expectations to navigating family dynamics, learn how to handle resistance with grace and maintain balance. We provide tips for incorporating simple but effective activities like 15-minute workouts and meal prepping into your routine. Plus, explore the benefits of self-care practices such as yoga and meditation, and understand the importance of building a strong sense of self-worth. Reflect on your personal goals and passions, and find out how to align them with a healthier, happier you. Tune in and take the first step toward prioritizing your well-being in a world that often demands you put yourself last.
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Welcome to the Tea with Tina, your favorite podcast, where we talk all things health, fitness, lifestyle and maybe a little bit of tea gets spilled.
Speaker 2:We chat all about this in a super casual environment, so grab your beverage of choice, sit back, relax and enjoy relax and enjoy.
Speaker 2:Hello everyone and welcome back to the Tea with Tina podcast. Today we will be chatting about how people-pleasing behaviors are preventing you from losing weight. Now I am going to start off by saying that I actually had this podcast episode be inspired from Lauren Melton. She has a website called this Life Uncluttered. If you want to check her out, she has a unique approach to health and fitness. I've been following her for a while. Her general philosophy is you know, if you declutter your life, simplify your life. It, in relation, helps with health and fitness in general and weight loss and things like that. So I'm actually going to reference this article because I thought it was really good and I'm going to kind of throw my two cents in.
Speaker 2:As we go along, and if you're like me and you're a female, a lot of the times you tend to struggle with people pleasing Now, not everybody, but I feel like more females definitely tend to do this because as we grow up, we're kind of taught as females to just be likable, don't cause conflict or tension, and in that way we have to people please, right? And if we I always look back to the 50s, maybe it's because I grew up with older parents, so there was a little bit of a generational age gap. My parents were born to the 50s. Maybe it's because I grew up with older parents, so there was a little bit of a generational age gap. My parents were born in the 50s and I would always watch like old shows and my parents were old fashioned, so I feel like I was exposed to that a little bit more. But we look at the traditional housewife and you know they always put everybody else's needs before their own, and I definitely see this today in modern times, especially in moms, and we do. We kind of feel this need as women to do it all, especially as things progressed and the women work now. Now we have to be business owners or work full time, while also being an amazing mom and having a beautiful home. We can see this recreated on social media a lot of the times. We see the highlight reels of these moms that seem to have it all together. Let me say that they don't, or they have, you know, money to have nannies and food prepped for them, private chefs, to make their lives a little bit easier.
Speaker 2:There's actually even been a recent trend on tiktok um, I forget the exact term of it, it's slipping my mind, but it's bringing back that traditional housewife as an aesthetic and, while it could be like a cool aesthetic to look at, almost like a role playing, there's a lot of controversy around this because it's very, very popular and people find it very appealing, but a lot of it's unrealistic. They might be these very wealthy people where this is only like their full time job is to create content, um, and they'll showcase like just waking up, making like crazy things from scratch, like there was one woman that was making like cough drops from scratch and she just happened to have these very hard to find ingredients on hand in her cabinet. And again, while I said it could be aesthetically pleasing and somewhat motivating, I guess like oh, wow, that's cool that she can do that it can also create a sense of not feeling good enough. When you watch that you're like, oh my god, this girl has everything together. Look at her. She just wakes up. Her are sick, she's making cough drops from scratch. There's no way in heck I could do that. I'm lucky if I get clothes on my kid in a day, right. And again, that's kind of where this people pleasing can stem from as well. You know, we just feel that need. We need to keep everybody happy, put ourselves last. We don't. We want to avoid conflict, so we change ourselves for everybody, and this can impact our weight loss and our health and fitness in social settings and from a stress perspective, right. If we're so stressed out all the time about trying to please everybody, that can throw a lot of things off hormonally and allow us to store more fat, have bad eating habits because our emotions might be off, our hormones are dysregulated and in a social setting it can cause us, because we feel that pressure, to say yes to, maybe, things that don't align with our goals and then we end up having bad habits that don't support or align with our weight loss goals, right. So let's kind of dive into what Lauren has said here. She listed five different things, so here's what we have.
Speaker 2:Number one is avoiding conflict things that people pleasers do. People pleasers love to keep the peace, to prevent conflict. When you avoid conflict, you often internalize your feelings and concerns, increasing your stress and anxiety as unresolved issues continue to weigh on your mind. You might find yourself trying to keep the peace over certain situations because you would rather just not deal with the argument, and this can be so many things. Like I was saying before.
Speaker 2:You know, maybe one of your family members makes this really great pie and you're like, oh god, I know I'm gonna eat two pieces. I can't control myself. And instead of saying you know, no, thank you, I don't need this pie, I'm just going to. You know it doesn't align with my diet right now or my goals, which can be uncomfortable, but you can say it in a polite way. You know you picture maybe your family member freaking out on you, making a scene, going oh my gosh, I can't believe this. I worked so hard on this pie. You always eat it and then you just the thought of that you would rather avoid it. I know I've been in that situation. You know I was definitely a big peacekeeper and they, they say some of that can stem not to get too far into trauma and things like that but they say a lot of that can stem from the childhood.
Speaker 2:So something that you can think about was did you have a parent, maybe A teacher, someone that you were close to growing up, that you kind of felt like you had to walk on pins and needles, right, you had to tiptoe because you knew if maybe you said something, they would blow up. I can tell you that was my dad. Everybody in the house had to kind of. They had to gauge his mood. They didn't know how he was going to react and I found that I learned as a kid when I act X way, he tends to be happier and he won't freak out and blow up on us. So I will act that way, right, and then in turn that gives you people pleasing behavior, because you're not expressing what you truly want or feel. You're showing emotions to appease the other person, and that's very challenging. That gets on a deeper level of things, because then you've got to take the other person's issues into account.
Speaker 2:But what you can do to improve this is to simply lean into telling yourself that it's okay to stand up for yourself and say what you're thinking, and how they react has nothing to do with you. How they're reacting is based off of what they're feeling in their own scenario. Like if we go back to the um, the family member who made the pie. Like your goals are important to you and like you love the pie. You know you do, but you're choosing not to have a slice because you know it's it could spiral and you're just trying to be better with your habits and this is a boundary that you're setting. Well, you know, if they like lash out, maybe they're insecure about their body goals and they wish they had the control that you did. Or maybe they feel like their pie's not good enough, you know, because they were bad at cooking when they were younger. There's just so many possible scenarios. But it's never related to you 99.9% of the time. So again, practicing standing up for yourself and saying what you truly mean and just not like kind of putting up that physical barrier imaginary barrier, I should say of what they say, knowing that it's nothing personal, right? So that's one.
Speaker 2:Number two we have social pressure. People pleasers don't like upsetting others. They tend to put immense pressure on themselves to ensure that they don't upset or offend anyone, which can be particularly challenging in social settings, right? And that's exactly what we were just talking about. So a lot of these kind of mesh together, the avoiding of conflict, the social pressure you know whether it's drinking like a lot of social situations of oh, come on, let's just have one glass of wine.
Speaker 2:I faced this a lot very early into my weight loss journey when I worked at a retail job and I would have lunch break and everybody was in there. You know, I got really some offhand comments from people, you know, and I was only like 18 or 19 at the time. So I was more impressionable, right, and I did care what people thought about me more because I was younger and I just wanted to be accepted, especially around all these older people, right. But they would just be like, oh, you're eating a salad, why you? Why don't you eat something more than that? That doesn't look good, you know. And of course, where I work, they would have like cakes or any leftover food, because it was a grocery store, they would just give it to us. Sometimes they would cater food for us. So there was a lot of like these outside offenders. And, you know, sometimes I did give in, but a lot of the times I just stuck to my guns. And if you don't entertain people, usually they'll just give up and go away because you're not getting a reaction out of them. And again, nine times out of 10, they're making that comment because they wish that they could be as committed as you, or maybe they just don't see food that way and they're not on their own health and fitness journey, right.
Speaker 2:Number three we have boundaries. I talk about boundaries all the time and people pleasers do struggle with boundaries. I think one of the biggest jumps forward that I made in my health in general and I love to include my mental well-being and things like that in with my health and fitness journey, because that is a huge part, pleaser I just thought you know, if I could make everybody happy and feel good all the time, then I would get ideal outcomes. And that's not true, because sometimes you can do everything right and it's still not enough for the wrong person. People take advantage of you.
Speaker 2:People expect you to say yes to things all the time and setting boundaries is hard because again it goes back to the standing up for yourself. You know you are going against what they want and you might upset them. And again, it's not a direct reflection of you. They're just mad they didn't get their way right, or it's against what they expected. And again, once you set those boundaries over time, that's the cool thing about boundaries People learn them, they'll learn them. At first there's resistance, there's always resistance, but they will learn them and they'll get over it and it's okay.
Speaker 2:And again, the other cool thing with boundaries is how you say it. You could really come across as rude. We don't want that. But there's a way to be firm and direct with your boundaries. That's another thing I learned because I feel like as a teenager, you know your hormones are all over the place, so you tend to be a little bit more explosive. I found it was harder to control my emotions, like I'd have anger or like you know, like I would just have a rude way of saying things. I guess Passive, aggressive would be a good way of saying it. But I learned how to have boundaries and be direct about it and be firm, but in a polite way. And I feel like when you are direct and polite and firm, people are kind of caught off guard, even if they're especially, I should say, if they're rude and nasty people, and it takes them aback and they tend to not have a response because they don't know how to react right. And again, it teaches people in a good way your boundaries right and some situations that maybe this has happened for I know I've struggled with these that she lists in the article taking on a new big project at work with no pay increase. Let's do it.
Speaker 2:I know a lot of females and males for sure, are guilty of this. They work really hard, they say yes to everything and, unfortunately, you would think that that would get you like a raise, um, a promotion, but usually they just go oh wow, this person is willing to do extra work and they don't even want, they don't even, you know, ask for any pay. They don't ask. You know, I'm there, my go-to person now. Anytime that I I need extra work done, I know I can count on them. So you're almost better being mediocre. Unless you could set those boundaries, you could do more, but then maybe you could write up a proposal and stand up for yourself and go in and say, hey, so I've been actually putting more work into the company, I've been increasing sales, and this is why I believe I deserve a raise. Been, you know, increasing sales, and this is why I believe I deserve a raise. And if they don't give you one, then you go okay, then I'm going to pull back in my duties and just do what is expected of me, no more, or you can leave, right? So that's a great example of being, you know, firm, direct, but polite, right?
Speaker 2:Maybe you're a mom or friend that always volunteers to do projects, right, and that's fine to volunteer, sometimes out of the goodness of your heart, um, but you don't want to be the go-to, especially like. I feel like this happens a lot with parents like the PTA moms, uh, whatever, you're just trying to make it easier on everybody and then they rely on you and you like regret it because you're like, wow, I have no time to myself because every weekend I'm volunteering for something and I hate this and you're just afraid to say no because you've said yes so many times. Right, or maybe you're the ringleader you're always the one that starts and gathers things together. Right, and, and that's okay. I feel like that's something with growing up. I still haven't been able to wrap my head around that one. I think as we get older we're just busier, so it's harder to even have the time to think about gatherings. I know I'm that kind of person Like I would love the idea of organizing stuff and I used to be the organizer and planner for things.
Speaker 2:My husband's that way as well, and it's like if you don't do it, nobody else does it. But it did. It became a burden and a pain. So unless I really want to do something, I usually don't organize it, and that's okay. What's another one? Plan your extended family's trip to visit relatives in Ireland, no problem. Oh, yes, like doing the.
Speaker 2:Maybe you're the one who does the family reunions every year, and if you didn't do it, there wouldn't be a family reunion, and that's nice. Again, what does it mean to you? Is it worth putting that time and energy in? Are you okay taking a step back? And if somebody else really wants to do it, you could right, and this can be even just with one-sided relationships, right? Do you feel like you're giving all and everything and maybe the other person isn't compensating? Like if you didn't reach out, maybe they wouldn't respond back? I would have a conversation with them personally, and this is a boundary thing, you know. You could always just say hey, you know, I feel like I'm always the one who reaches out. Is there a reason for this? You know, I'd appreciate it if maybe you would reciprocate more.
Speaker 2:You never know what that person's going through, especially as adults. Nine times out of ten, that person's stressed out busy. They're not even thinking about it. They don't mean to be that way. Some people just prefer less communication. Coming from somebody who is more introverted, I know that's not my nature to reach out all the time. It's just not. It's not me. But I never think like, oh, I'm blowing this person off. You know, I'm just going about my life, and people pleasers take on and over commit to so much that they have to no time to exercise or meal plan, making staying focused on their weight loss journey harder. By learning to set boundaries and saying no when necessary, people pleasers can relieve some of the pressure or stress and this is a big one, I see with the super busy, burned out people.
Speaker 2:And something that's common that I've talked about before is as adults, we tend to add things to our plate. We add, add, add. But it can be more challenging to learn what to take away and what no longer serves us. That's why it's important, every so often I don't know how often you'd like to do that, it could be once a month, every three months, every six months Do a life audit, think about what you do on your day to day and like say, is this serving me right now?
Speaker 2:Because remember, there's different seasons that we live in, you know if there's a busier season this is why I also talk about dialing things up and dialing things down there's a busier season where maybe you have to commit more hours to work Because, let's say, you're an accountant and naturally around tax season you just work more hours. It has nothing to do with people pleasing, it's just you're busier during that time. Okay, well, we have to dial up work. Something has to give busier during that time. Okay, well, we have to dial up work. Something has to give right. So we're not going to give up on working out because that's important to us, but maybe we need to dial it back a little bit.
Speaker 2:Hence why I do things like hey, let's do exercise snacks, short bursts of workouts, can we maybe do 15 minute workouts? Can we get walks in? You know little things. What can we do? So we still commit. Are we going to meal prep? And then maybe in seasons where you're not as busy, you're off season. You know work is dialing back. So now, maybe you can dial things up and the things you do want to commit to, oh, you will organize a trip, now you can volunteer, and then again, this is communicating the boundaries Going. Oh, hey, I, during, you know, march to May, I am busy as an accountant, so I do not have any extra time or resources to commit to volunteering. But you know what, in my off season, if I'm feeling okay and I'm interested in doing that, I will let you know. Right, being firm and setting boundaries.
Speaker 2:It takes some inner searching, I would say, to do these kinds of things which, when we're tired and our brain doesn't even want to think about it, it can be challenging, right, and that's why taking care of ourselves is so important. I always say, if we hit those basics of like moving drinking water, de-stressing, even meditating and things like that, yoga, it allows us to have a clearer mind and the ability to look deeper into these things. Um, I actually, just before hopping on this podcast, I did um, I'm studying for my yoga certification right now, and they had us do a little meditation before we start a module. Um, even as I was watching the videos because there's videos and readings and it's more guided about breathwork I felt so much more calm and at peace and you don't even realize how much your mind is running around until you kind of bring things back to center. So that's why, even just taking five minutes to do a little breathwork session you could do it on the Calm app, you could look it up on YouTube Just something simple could be enough to kind of reset your brain, give you that clear mind and be able to tackle little things like this right Number four, seeking external validation.
Speaker 2:This one I've always had to wrap my mind around. I've always heard that people pleasers are actually people. Pleasing is the most selfish thing that you can do, because you're pleasing others to get, you are looking for a reaction from somebody. You want to get a reaction, and I've had a hard time wrapping my mind around it because I feel like I've never wrapping my mind around it, because I feel like I've never I've never at least consciously did it from a selfish root. I just more so, like we were saying before wanted to keep the peace. Um, I hate the conflict, I want to avoid conflict because it adds stress. But I guess when you look at it that way, it can potentially be from a selfish place, and I don't think it's necessarily like a negative place. It's more so, maybe your body's attempt at trying to regulate stressors right, like, oh, if I keep this person happy, they won't yell at me and I won't be stressed out even more. Meanwhile, there's a healthier way to do it that can sometimes be more challenging, like confronting them or setting boundaries, but it could be worth doing right. So people pleasers seek external validation and approval.
Speaker 2:This need for external validation is often rooted in insecurities and fragile sense of worth. Yes, that is also something that I had struggled with growing up. I'm much better at now because I have a stronger sense of self. But you know, whether you feel lonely or you do have insecurities about something, it does feel nice to know that others appreciate the work you do. And I just feel like my love language because there's five love languages and you may be the same way I do like those words of affirmation and it just it's reaffirming, it keeps me going, because sometimes it can feel quiet, like, oh, am I doing the right thing? Like you know, it feels like I'm doing all this stuff and nobody appreciates it. Not from a cynical way. You're just like I wonder if people like this kind of thing. I want to make sure I'm doing a good enough job, right.
Speaker 2:But people pleasers may base their self-esteem on how others perceive them rather than their accomplishments and self-assessment, and then that kind of goes back to at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what people think good or bad. If you feel like you're showing up in a way that's good enough, then that should be enough, right? And if you don't know, then maybe you do need to do that internal work and ask yourself what do you want? What do you want out of life? You know, is it worth for you to work overtime? Do you even want a promotion? Or are you just trying to please your boss? Right? Is the trade-off worth it? And you can, you know, look into that with volunteering for your kids' events, going out to drink with friends, all those things. Is it worth it? Right?
Speaker 2:Developing a solid sense of self-worth that is independent of others' options or opinions, I'm sorry is crucial. People pleasers can benefit significantly from self-reflection and self-compassion practices to build intrinsic self-esteem. Right, and this can involve therapy, inner work. Just, you know, having your goals. Have you ever had a goal where you're so, you're so passionate about it that it doesn't matter what anybody else says, right? You've probably had a moment like that where you wanted something so badly it didn't matter what anybody else says, right? You've probably had a moment like that where you wanted something so badly it didn't care if anybody else said that you want it. You know, you kind of have to view your sense, your inner sense of self, your goals, your passions, like that, so that you know your sense of self is so strong that it doesn't matter what other people say, right?
Speaker 2:And then, number five we have inconsistent routines. People pleasers may end up with very inconsistent routines because they always prioritize others' schedules over their own. This makes it hard to see progress in losing weight when they can't regularly work out or plan balanced meals. Being a member of a membership or community where you can see others consistently show up for their workouts and meal plan and saying no to other requests for their time, maybe all it takes to see that is possible, right? So that is very true. And again, I see this you know you're saying yes to everybody. The first thing I tell my clients is when you have your workout, you're going to schedule it like a doctor's appointment. Your meal prep sessions schedule it like a doctor's appointment because you're committing to it, right? And then that way, if somebody says, hey, are you free at 9 am on Tuesday, and you're like, well, you open your calendar, you have your workout, you can say no, you know what. I have a workout that I'm doing for my program. So no, thank you.
Speaker 2:I actually just had this happen too, and I'm proud with one of my class people. It was her birthday and I thought, oh, I should get her a smoothie from the gym. That would be a nice little kind of like birthday gift, because it was her birthday the day she took class and I offered it to her and she said you know, I'm on a meal plan right now, but, thank you, and that was it. You know, there's no offense there. She, she set her boundary, she's on a meal plan, she's following a strict diet and she can't deviate from it. And that was it. And we both went on with our days and there was no issue. And I feel like that's how it needs to be.
Speaker 2:And again it can feel uncomfortable, cause you're like, oh my God, what if I upset them? What if she's mad at me? It's fine, it's fine If they're a good person, they understand, and if they don't understand, that has more to do with them than you. So you can see how kind of these all intertwine and overlap, because as we talk about, each situation, each type of you know thing that happens tends to come up. So those are the five things that people pleasers struggle with with losing weight, and we kind of talked about some ways to overcome them. Just to recap those five things we have we tend to avoid conflict as people pleasers, we have a lot of social pressure, we struggle to set boundaries, seek external validation and we have inconsistent routines because we're always saying yes to others and not ourselves.
Speaker 2:So I encourage you to do some inner work. What's some next steps? Which ones stood out to you the most? Maybe they all feel like they flow together, but which ones stood out to you the most? See if you can work on that. First, do some work, do some research, clear your mind, do some meditations, think about what you want, what you want to do, and learn to stand firm in that and be, you know, honest with yourself. All right, and if any of those stood out for you, please feel free to message me. In the show notes there is a place where you can send me a text. I get them. It's kind of like fan mail. I'd love to chat with you if you listen to the show and also, if you're not following the show already, be sure to follow it wherever you listen, so you never miss another episode again. All right, guys, it was a pleasure chatting with you and I'll pop in for the next one soon. Have a great rest of your day and bye for now.
